Akash Samaroo
No tears flowed from a survivor’s face as she recounted her years of abuse yesterday.
It’s because this 31-year-old said she’s no longer broken. She left her toxic relationship with her life, something not everyone can say.
The now mother of two said the abuse started subtly, often as jokes.
“He would say that man tracking you or even with girls he would say the girl probably liked me, I couldn’t go anywhere or do anything without him and I used to think he was being protective at the beginning,” the woman, who asked not to be identified, said.
Then the abuse turned physical.
She said, “I remember being four months pregnant and he slammed my face into a car dashboard.”
She said her partner was aware that she had abandonment issues with her father and used it against her to ensure she did not leave.
“He used to say the life you have with your father; you want your daughter to go through the same thing and he was right, I did not want that life for my daughter,” she said.
It became a mantra that his parents echoed to give her the impression escape was not an option. And when he became violent, she said they found an excuse for that as well.
“Every time he got physically abusive to me he would be under the influence of alcohol, that is when he would hit me. But his family would always say ‘he drinking, he doesn’t know what he doing’ and his excuse would also be that he wasn’t in his senses, so alcohol was always his scapegoat,” she said.
The survivor said her life became a constant volley of insults.
“My mother-in-law told me one month after marriage that daughter-in-laws supposed to be like Mother Lakshmi and you came into my home and turn it upside down. What could I have done in one month to deserve that?”
The 31-year-old is an entertainer and said her independence and public profile were usual triggers. And she did not even have her family to turn to, as they were too worried about what society would think.
“The family that I came from is very traditional, meaning you could get cuss and licks but stay with your husband, especially if there are children involved,” she said.
She said even her own mother said she saw the red flags early in the relationship but refused to warn her.
“She said I know how children don’t listen these days.”
But the survivor said it was her darkest moment that freed her.
She said, “I was at the point where I wanted to commit suicide and take my daughter’s life as well, but I drove down to St Ann’s and told them I needed help and that was when I turned around my life.”
She believes more women should find it within themselves to have the courage to escape, as despite what society, family or religion may say, there is life after a failed marriage.
“I have another baby, he will be a year this month, I have in-laws who adore me and I have a hubby who I can go and lime with and come home and hug up and I don’t have to be scared or worried that I could die in the morning.”
Echoing her advice that there is no shame in moving on to protect yourself was feminist activist Marcus Kissoon. He said oftentimes, society fails to demand change or hold the perpetrator accountable.
“The family and the community don’t help with the process of holding the man accountable, but rather it’s around questioning the victim, who is usually a woman, on how she provoked the situation, asking how did she step out of the traditional feminine gender role, for example, she didn’t care about the children, she didn’t care about the family, she didn’t even care if the man ate,” Kissoon said.
Kissoon said society must also not be blinded by the perpetrator’s achievements in life.
“What we are also seeing is a formidable fallacy that socially accomplished men aren’t capable of violence and warrant a pardon, and this becomes a barrier for women who want to get justice,” he said.
